A big and personal share from Nos

[Nostalgiascape]

I can’t let loose. I can’t let go of it all. People who say that I should don’t really know what burdens me. Three plus decades of terrible and lingering pain. Three plus decades of survival. I have watched my mother accomplish more than she has been given credit for. Some say she wasn’t strong enough. She was as strong as she could possibly be. Don’t judge her life for one second unless you survive her worst year in her shoes. She treated herself with coca cola and Reese’s peanut butter cups on occasion where others drank alcohol and shot up. She has endured more than any woman I know. She was as strong as she could be. And I love her immensely for it. I would kill for her. I would die for her. But she is the most peaceful woman I know.

What was left was what her children had to take upon themselves to shoulder. Sadness and suffering. Embarrassment and disappointment. Because we did not have what others did? But we at least had what we needed and against the odds. And our mothers heart broke knowing what she could not do for us. From these beginnings there came a sad little boy who had to learn how to be a man on his own. And this is his tale and my lament. He paid for boxing lessons. He made himself become a Missouri State Corrections Officer for this very reason. But this was not enough. A father 2000 miles away was of no use. There were missing pieces which his slightly older sister tried to fill as best she knew how. He had a sister with strawberry blonde hair and an assurance that her little bubby would be okay. She was hard on him which cut into his sensitivity. But she was doing her fathers job in his absence. She was being older than she ever should have had to be given her gentile age. She loved her bubby. And she sacrificed much for her brother and her mother. Her name was Retisha.

As the boy grew up, he struggled to come to grip with his emotions. There was an old heavy bag which hung off the back porch of house 105 on Elm Avenue in Steelville in 1994 that suffered his wrath lest he should actually hurt any real person. And he never did physically scar one soul though he could have done so with relative ease. The tough guys of town, the Chris Lawrence’s of the world could have made perfect targets for his wrath. And for what? Of what were they guilty? Only having what he did not? But he would not allow himself to be like his father. He would not. His father was rage incarnate. His father was death on a fist. However his own heart was good. His wrath was caged. It still is to this day. And he learned from good men in his life when he could. Such as his mothers Uncle Festus. Such as his own Uncle Dan. Later in life from men like Pastor Cardis Brian, Teacher Mr. Stice, and his brother in Law Brian Peak. He took offense each time Brian told him he’d whoop his butt if he ever messed up with this or that. But it was the love of an older Brother in law. Though he might stand up to his brother in law to this day, he knows Brian Peak is a real man worthy of his own sister Regina. He knows that Brian Peak is a stronger man than he.

In life he fell victim to his own insecurities. He let the love of his life slip away. In affairs of the heart he showed no courage. She was an angel. A princess. Infallible even when fallible. He made her into more than she was. This was not fair to her. And his true friends suffered through hearing about her too many times. And they suffered through his anger. And they suffered through his self destruction. But he made them laugh. He had their backs and they knew it. He cared about them and they knew it. So they dared to endure the bouts of depression that he went through. They were good And excellent friends like Clay Young and John Ransom. They were understanding friends like Mark Pounds. They were friends who saw the madness and yet never abandoned him. Friends who witnessed his demons and never gave up on him. They could never be called acquaintances. That would be an insult to them.

In life he tried to understand things on his own and it cost him. Never asking for help until the day he had to beg for it. He would eventually end up in the desert southwest, a familiar place of his past. And there he would stay, focusing on safety and stability. Year after year passed in his classic rock desert city of 5 million people. Phoenix Arizona. He traversed the highways and learned his favorite spots in the city. He learned to drive crazy because that was the rule of the road in the desert southwest. But always he asked himself, when would he return home to his roots? When would he find his final place in life? When would he go home again? Six years of dreams that haunted him and showed him visions of something loosely familiar to home but still very different. Dreams left in the lack of closure. He knew there would be no safe day to take off. No safe day to launch. And so he began his plans to leave his desert metropolis and return home.

If the story of this person rings even the slightest bit familiar to your own life, I say launch yourself. Set out for your rightful place. Risk be damned. And have a care for yourself that you are worth more than even you may realize. Do not compare your accomplishments to those of others for your life is your own. And no one knows the pain or the hurdles you have faced. Let nothing stop you. Be brave, and venture into the world. If it feels right, reach out for it. And if there be villains, bat them away like flies. There is no such thing as too late. If you are alive then there is time for change. Cut your losses and focus on your future again. And never say that you are incapable or that you are not worth it. Because that is simply not true.

[adrian]

Nos... i read this entire thing and WOW!! it blew my mind. one mistake people tend to make in life is that they don't quite grasp just how much their life is worth. to themselves and to others. the impact of just one humans life could be extrodinary but we tend to take life for granted (i do this as well) if we were to slow down, take our time, and learn to love and learn to love living, this world we're dismantling could be so great. we're all capable of great things, big and small. the thing is, is if we all just did one good deed a day, we could make such an impact

[Andybev01]

Nicely done man.

It took me 2 decades to realize that I was trying to live other peoples version of my life, and the freedom that came with the realization that it was all up to me was a life saver.

Peace.

[adrian]

Nicely done man.

It took me 2 decades to realize that I was trying to live other peoples version of my life, and the freedom that came with the realization that it was all up to me was a life saver.

Peace.

peace is right.. if we could all just find it!

[Nostalgiascape]

Peace. Man that just sounds so nice.

[Belladonna]

Wonderful, Nostalgia
Thank you for sharing this with us.

Live each second breathing deeply, take notice of even the smallest things.
The everyday kindnesses.
Life and love are open and waiting.

*************************
Drink wine
This is life eternal
All that life will give to you

This is the season for wine, roses and drunken friends
Be happy for this moment
This moment is your life.

~Omar Khayyam

[adrian]

Wonderful, Nostalgia
Thank you for sharing this with us.

Live each second breathing deeply, take notice of even the smallest things.
The everyday kindnesses.
Life and love are open and waiting.

*************************
Drink wine
This is life eternal
All that life will give to you

This is the season for wine, roses and drunken friends
Be happy for this moment
This moment is your life.

~Omar Khayyam

i love this

[Belladonna]

Oh yes,
I love that poem too. So much said in so few words.
I heard it once and it just stuck.

[shanda]

Very moving. Thank you for your private thoughts. I am touched.

[Nostalgiascape]

I am welcome